Insecurities on Display

It's been a rough couple of days here.  Every time I get dressed, less and less of my clothes fit.  My pants are uncomfortable because they cut into my fat belly, and it's way too cold to wear the dresses that cover up my tummy.  If the numbers on the scale didn't make me feel bad enough about myself, there's more insecurities about Andrew's ex. 

It's actually my own fault.  He told me she called him the other day to ask him something about the Vespa they owned while they were together.  The phone call wouldn't really have bothered me in itself if she hadn't facebook messaged him last month to apologize for hurting him.  Then, just to make myself more insecure, I spent two hours yesterday looking at pictures of her on the internet.  Because of my own self-confidence issues, everything became a comparison.  Is she prettier than me? Is she more stylish than me? Is she funnnier than me? Did they have more happiness together than he and I do?  I know he doesn't have feelings for her anymore, but I think she still has feelings for him, which can be just as bad after a four-year relationship goes sour.  His sister is still friends with her, too.  She and I didn't really mesh well, so the fact that she still likes the ex makes me uncomfortable.

The other night, he said something about when he and the ex were living together, "she brought the tickets home, and we used them when people came to visit us."  Those italicized words were like a stab in the chest to hear him talk about them together, almost like they were married.  I don't want him to read this and think that I'm hiding some feelings, but I just feel like it's stupid to keep bringing it up.  We've talked about how he doesn't love her anymore, and how we share something completely different and special.  What more is there to say about it?  But god, it's like everytime I get dressed I think "is this as good as something she would wear?" and everytime I do something for him I think "is this better than the things she did for him?" and everytime we have sex I can't help thinking "am I as good in bed as she is?"  Why can't I get this out of my brain??

I know what I need to do: I need to make sure I talk to him and get all the feelings out on the table so we can handle it together.  I also need to stop looking for ways to make myself feel bad - like snooping for reminders of their relationship.  Then - maybe the most important thing that always gets rid of bad feelings - I need to keep myself busy and focused on positives.  That includes hanging out with friends, making sure I don't cut myself off from people and become isolated, keep my hands busy by knitting or my mind busy by reading, and get some exercise.  I know all those things work for me, and I know they will get me back to my healthy, confident self.  But I can't help wanting to just sit in the dark, eat comfort food, close myself off, and sometimes even cut. 

I can't let that happen.