So just for the record, I did fine Tuesday. I was totally bummed and hating the world. I got to Andrew's and he was playing xbox, so I almost crawled into a hole and sulked. A few minutes after I came in though, he successfully cheered me up looking at funny pictures online. Oh, and the fact that I got into a DIS (research group) for next semester really helped. I had an interview for this research group Monday morning and I thought it didn't go very well. Tuesday evening I got the email saying I was great for the position, which is AMAZING. I would love love love to work under this same professor in grad school. He studies depression, eating disorders, and suicide (all of which are of major interest to me... not sure why....?) Well, the point is, even when I started getting all those overwhelming "fuck the world" feelings, all it took was someone to hold my hand and say he loved me. I easily remembered that not talking to anyone in a class does not mean I have no one to talk to EVER. It does not mean that I am alone. It just means I haven't made an effort to get to know anyone in that group. Before I go off the deep end in depressing emotions, I need to step back and look at reality.
Really, the rest of the week revolved around studying for a test in that dreaded class. Remember how I was afraid I was doing awful because I wasn't going to that class anymore? Well I studied for the test and read the book and got a 93%. Just more wasted anxiety!
OHHH, Friday and Saturday I did my Christmas shopping. I am SOOO excited about my present for Andrew. He probably won't love it because it's not the best of the best, but it was the best I could afford. I've been researching and looking for the perfect thing for like two weeks. I read all these articles on how to pick it and where to find it. I read tons of reviews on brands, and I drove all over town looking for the best one for the most reasonable price. I never put this much effort into presents because I hate the pressure. I feel like you spend all this time looking for the perfect thing, and if the person doesn't like it, they have to keep it just because you tried so hard. I figure it's easier to just pick something easy they'll probably like and tell them to go ahead and return it for something better if they don't like it. I just hate feeling like they are disappointed in what you picked because it's not quite right, and same for when I am the receiver. I hate when I get something that's almost what I wanted but not quite, but I have to keep it because they tried. I know it's like anti-holiday or whatever, but I really wish we could forget about forced presents and just have a second Thanksgiving. To me, Christmas is about the family and the food and the traditions that go with the season, not the presents. I would rather get the money, as tacky and greedy as that sounds. If I found a perfect gift for someone some time during the year, I could give it to them then, not because it's Christmas and you have to find gifts to give. I don't know... just some thoughts. But I am excited that I had such a great idea for Andrew's present. I just hope he doesn't feel awkward about returning it if he doesn't quite like it. I would rather be a little disappointed when he returns it than a lot disappointed when his hatred for it slowly comes out over the next few years. Eh, we'll see how it goes.
Anywaaaaaay, I'm not sure how I got on that tangent. I guess I was just trying to explain that I got myself busy really quickly so that the little upset on Tuesday didn't turn into anything more than just that. I did have a little scare with some body functioning and gorged myself on chocolate in nervousness. It cleared up pretty quickly and then I was just sick and sorry about the chocolate eating.
Andrew and I are at my parent's house tonight. Once again, I'm in this golden content place. It's weird to think that we are actually at my house because I have an appointment with my psychologist. I feel so complete right now. We had a great evening out to eat with my parents and drinks and a movie afterward. I tucked him into bed in the guest room (my parents don't approve of premarital sex or pre-marital bed-sharing... or premarital seeing each other in our p.j.'s....). I've got my puppy by my side, and I just feel so complete. I can't help thinking about marrying this guy. We are such a good balance for each other. I know he is a little scared about my past, and that he wouldn't be able to handle my problems if they happened again - at least not as bad as they were. I understand that fully. I can't say I would be comfortable being with someone who went through what I did. I would worry that the person would fall deep again, and I wouldn't be strong enough to keep them happy and healthy. I also understand because I worry about his past sometimes. He did some stupid immature boy things. This was years ago now, but I sometimes catch myself wondering if he has really changed. We tell each other we are different, and remind each other how much people can change. I guess that's what love is: trust and faith in each other. You don't know what the future will hold, but if you are smart and watch each other with honest feelings (not lust), you might just be able to find someone that will make it through with you. My parents have been married for 34 years, some years happier than others; but, they are still in love. I don't want to settle for anything less in my life, and I can only hope that I will be blessed with that true, deep, enduring love.
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